Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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