He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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