Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
