My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
