I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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