Little spoons don't ask big questions
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
