Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
even my farts smell like vagina
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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