and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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