my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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