if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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