life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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