So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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