no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
