Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Randomize
