Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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