If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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