I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You made out with two different species that night
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
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