Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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