I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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