i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
