please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
