you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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