My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
