Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
