He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
