At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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