a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
