i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
