haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
