remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
