it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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