i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
