She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
