Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Randomize
