Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
