rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
