dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
