Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
