I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Randomize
