I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
