i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
