it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
