I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
