The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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