Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
