I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
