Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Randomize
