I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Randomize
