Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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