I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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