she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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