omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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